Dealing with Conflict

Conflict: to come into collision or disagreement; be contradictory, at variance, or in opposition; a clash. Unfortunately, we will all have to deal with times of confrontation and conflict. The whole world since the fall has been in conflict. One day, when Jesus returns, the lion will lay down with the lamb. But till then we live in a broken world. If you think a real Christian will never have conflict with anyone, you’re living in fantasy land with Dorothy and Toto

Dr Larry Crabb, clinical psychologist and Christian author wrote: “The difference between a spiritual and unspiritual person is not whether conflict ever exists, but is rather in our attitude toward it and our approach to handling it. To live our best life, we have to know how to deal with conflict in a Godly way. It may be with a neighbour, a boss, a customer. Sometimes it is with a spouse, family member, a relative, or even a fellow Christian or church member.

When conflict is not dealt with well, it breeds. Unresolved conflict leads to stress, contributes to health problems, and effects our emotions. It causes unnecessary pain and disappointment. Unresolved conflict also thwarts our fellowship with God and hinders personal growth. Lord’s Prayer- Forgive us our sin’s, as we forgive those who sin against us.

Six step plan for Healthy Confrontation

1. Confront a person only if you care for that person.
Caring should precede Confronting. You must keep the other persons interests in mind. If you’re a boss, or an authority figure like a coach or a teacher, then they need to know that you care, if they are going to deal well with confrontation.

2. Don’t Avoid It.
Very few people enjoy confrontation. It’s tough. There is risk involved. We fear a negative reaction or abuse. But if there is conflict, without confrontation and discussion, there will be no resolution and the consequences can be disastrous. It’s like when you have an argument with your spouse and one person walks off and you don’t talk about it and you get on with things. That’s not called resolution, that’s called re -loading. Conflict is like cancer: early detection increases the possibility of a healthy outcome.

And if you do need to confront to someone about a situation, don’t do it by email or text. Always in person, if possible.

3. Always pray about your approach and for the Holy Spirit to be present.
Rom 8:14 For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.

4. First seek understanding, not to be understood.
Old Poverb- A person who has an opinion before he understands is human, but the person who makes a judgement before he understands is a fool.

When people are furious, they can’t listen to your perspective anyway. If God leads you to defend yourself, wait until the other person finishes. He or she will be more likely to hear your side. Love quote from Obama acceptance speech; There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree.

5. Outline the issue

• Describe your perception- Stay away from conclusions. Just describe what you see.
• Tell how this makes you feel- Do this without accusation
• Explain why it is important to you.

6. Control Your Emotions
Our natural reaction is to defend ourselves when attacked. Or attack back Instead, let the other person talk, and sometimes he or she will reveal the root of the conflict.

Ask the Holy Spirit to guard your mouth. Psalm 141:3 says, “Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips.” Don’t blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Carefully consider what you are going to say, and leave time for God to provide you with wise answers

7. Encourage a response.
If you care, you will want to listen. And if they don’t have their say, they wont be able to move forward.

8. Agree On An Action Plan
Any time you truly resolve conflict in a relationship, it actually strengthens the relationship.

1 Cor 13 Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.

Conflict may be inescapable, but you and I can choose how to respond. If you are unable to agree with the other person, don’t feel like a spiritual failure. No one can force reconciliation, but you can choose to walk in forgiveness, regardless of any outcome. Ask God for wisdom, and He will be faithful to guide your steps. This hurting world needs a reason to hope—the Father desires that our response to conflict be a compelling demonstration of His power and grace.

Passion

If your going to build your best life, you have to maintain passion for your best life. It’s passion that will keep you moving toward everything God has for you.

Jim Collins- leadership and management expert and author of From Good To Great wrote:
The kind of commitment I find among the best performers across virtually every field is a single-minded passion for what they do, an unwavering desire for excellence in the way they think and the way they work. Passion and enthusiasm is what launches you out of bed in the morning, and through your day with a spring in your step.

As a christ follower, Real passion for life comes from God and is a gift to those who ask. 2 Corinthians 6:11 – (the Message) –Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I am speaking as plainly as I can, and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively.”

I don’t want you to live your life in a small way. One key ingredient that will lead you into a bigger life is passion. Living in this way does not mean you have to be the very best. But you have to have the passion to do your personal best. Your PB. Passion is connected to peak performance. Who won the Athletics 100m sprint final at Beijing Olympics? (Usain Bolt). Who came 8th in the final? (Darvis Patton). One of the fastest men in the world, but you’ve never heard of him. Because he’s the 8th fastest. Does that mean he’s a failure? These people train for years and years in the hopes that they will perform and excel in a single moment. They focus their whole life on one moment. The majority of athletes will never win an olympic medal, and many train knowing they may never win a medal. But does this stop them from training to their fullest anyway? It doesn’t stop them because most athletes in the Olympics aren’t trying to win a medal. Most athletes are just trying to perform their best – at their top capacity. It’s passion to do their best that keeps them going, even if they know they will never beat Usain Bolt. They give their lives to mastering their personal best and performing at their peak.  Top athletes do not spend their lives concentrating on what their competitors are doing.

Ian thorpe “For myself, losing is not coming second. It’s getting out of the water knowing you could have done better. For myself, I have won every race I’ve been in.”

Don’t worry about what other people are doing. Am I a better mother/wife than so and so. Am I a Better husband/father. A better student, nurse, actor, businessman. This person’s gone on a holiday overseas. This couple has moved here or there. This young woman has started a business.

Are you passionate, enthusiastic about your life and your future?
Do you feel you are making the changes and the sacrifices necessary to live your best life?
Do you feel like you have lost passion and are simply going through the motions.

Enthusiasm for life comes from God. It is not found in a person. A job. A car. A street address. Without passion you will never live your best life.

Isa 40:31 God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.

As a church, we are not competing against another church or churches. But we are passionate about fulfilling everything God has for us as a church. We have to do out best. Set our own PB’s in reaching, building and empowering people for Jesus Christ

Relationships

All of life revolves around relationships. In fact, the entire population of the world, with one minor exception, is made up of other people. So it must be that life is designed to be shared. But some people, like some children, have a problem with sharing (you know who you are )

Our ability to build and maintain healthy relationships is the single most important factor in building our best life. Jesus said, love God and love people. He is saying, it’s all about relationships.
Robert Woodruff, who was CEO of Coke A Cola from 1923-1954 and took it from a regional beverage producer to a global organisation said this: Again and again we see individuals and organisations perform only to a small degree of their potential success, or fail entirely, simply because of their neglect of the human element in business and in life. They continually take people and their actions for granted. Yet it is these people that will make or break them.

You will never build your best life, without building the relationships that are in your life.

1. Your most important relationship after Jesus Christ- Dealing With Ourself

The first relationship you have to work on is the one between you and yourself. Dr Phil McGraw said I always say the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself. You’ve got to be your own best friend first. What do those close to you say about you?  Have you asked them? Have you taken responsibility for who you are?

Because who you are determines how you see other people.

There is a story of a traveler nearing a great city who asked an old man seated by the road, What are the people like in this city? The man asked What were they like where you came from? They were all crooks. They were mean and untrustworthy in all respects. Ah said the Old Man, you will find them the same in this city. Another man arrived shortly after. What are people like here? What were they like where you came from. Hard working, generous, friendly. I loved the place, He said. The old man said, You’ll find them the same here.
Who you are determines your view on life and people. Don’t blame other people until you have a good look at yourself. Our natural inclination is to look at everyone else first to explain the problem. Comedian Jack Parr said If I could kick the person responsible for most of my problems I wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.

So building your best relationships starts with you.

Psychologist Sheldon Kopp says, when we take an honest look at ourselves, and see some things we don’t like. We can respond in too ways.
1 Accept it and decide to change.
2. Be like the man who visited the doctor and found out he had serious health issues. When the doctor showed him the X-rays and suggested a painful, long and expensive road to recovery, that would require a lot of effort, the man asked, Ok, but how much would it cost just to touch up the X-rays.

2. Dealing with our perspective

If we want to build and maintain our best relationships we need to continually work on our perspective.
Q: Do I try and see things from others point of view?

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me. I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am. The woman below replied, You’re in a hot air balloon hovering aprox 10 metres above the ground. You must be an engineer said the balloonist. I am, how did you know? Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but the information is useless to get me to where I want to go.

The woman said, you must be in senior management. I am he said, how did you know? Well. You’re moving, but you don’t know where you are going. You’ve got this far purely by hot air. You made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

How do we make the change?

A. Stand in their shoes. Seeing things from someone elses view doesn’t come naturally. Jesus came to earth so that he could understand life from our perspective.
B. Acknowledge their point of view. Empathy helps connect. Helps you see the way they see life and the situation.
C. See the big picture. People are always more important than just things

Is it worth winning the argument and losing the relationship. Henry Ward Beecher, anti slavery campaigner, “No man is more cheated than the selfish man. He separates himself from what is most important in life: People.

3. Invest time into other people
Philippians 2:1 If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand.

Alfred Adler. The great psycho analyst wrote in his book What Life Should Mean To you wrote-

It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failure spring.

Relationships are like anything else. The return you get depends on what you invest. People who remain self centred and self serving will always have a hard time getting along with others.

5 ways to build better relationships.
1. Become genuinely interested in them.
2. Smile a lot
3. Remember people names.
4. Be a good listener
5. Make people feel important with genuine appreciation

(Many Thanks to John Maxwell and his book Winning With People)

Growing In God

Growing In God

To build our best life we must have a desire, a commitment and a plan to keep growing in God. It is important to maintain a passion to become everything he has called us and saved us to be.

The bible term for this process is sanctification or spiritual maturity- It simply means to grow Colossians 1:28 says Him we preach, admonishing everyone and instructing everyone, so that we may bring everyone into God’s presence as a full-grown person in Christ. To this end, like an earnest wrestler, I exert all my strength in reliance upon the power of him who is mightily at work within me.
The bible is clear God’s desire for every believer, every Christ follower is that you will keep growing, that you keep bearing fruit, that you continue to flourish in life, becoming more and more like Jesus.

Your pursuit of Christ should continue to bring transformation in your life, even if you have been a Christian for 20 years.

• Are you still growing?
• How have you changed in the last 12 months?

Philips translation Ephesians 4:14 We are not meant to remain as children, at the mercy of every chance wind of teaching…But we are meant to speak the truth in love and grow up in every way into Christ, the head. God’s plan from the beginning is that we become more and more like his son, our Lord, Jesus. Rom 8:29 For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son. The question is how do we grow in Christ?

1. Does it happen automatically once you’re born again?

Spiritual maturity is not related to years as a Christian at all. It’s not automatic with the passing of time. You have to want to grow and be committed to growing. Great Commission- Jesus said Therefore go and make disciples. Notice he did not say go and get decisions. Making a decision for Christ is an important first step, but it is only the first step. Discipleship begins with a decision. But Jesus said go and make disciples. Disciples are made, it doesn’t happen by itself.
Writer to the Hebrews said Heb 5:12 By this time you ought to be teachers yourselves, yet here I find you need someone to sit down with you and go over the basics on God again, starting from square one—baby’s milk, when you should have been on solid food long ago! Milk is for beginners, inexperienced in God’s ways; solid food is for the mature, who have some practice in telling right from wrong.

2. Is spiritual maturity only for professional clergy and beyond the average Christian?

The Words “spiritual maturity” can conjure up images of togas, beards, beads, long hair, a glazed, not quite here kind of expression. Paul compared growing in Christ to the way athletes stay in shape. It ‘s very practical. He said to Timothy 1 Tim 4:6 Exercise daily in God—no spiritual flabbiness, please! Workouts in the gymnasium are useful, but a disciplined life in God is far more so, making you fit both today and forever. If you develop spiritual disciplines or growth habits in your life, just like physical disciplines, you will grow spiritually in Christ.

3. Is spiritual maturity is measured by what you know?

Some people see Bible knowledge as the only criteria for measuring maturity as a Christian. Bible knowledge is very important, you need knowledge, but it’s not only measure. Spiritual maturity is displayed by beliefs and behaviour. James said James 2:18 Show me your faith without deeds and I will show you my faith by what I do.

How do you respond in a trial?
How do you behave when no one is watching?
Are different at church than you are at work?

Ephesians 5:8 in the Living Bible says though once your heart was full of darkness, now it is full of light from the Lord, and your behaviour should show it.

Mature Christians not only study the Christian life- they live it.

4. Isn’t spiritual growth is a private matter between you and God?

True Christian growth does not happen in isolation but in relationship and in church community. Anyone who believes you can be growing in God, but not going to church, is displaying infant behaviour. The pattern established by the early church Acts 2:46-47

Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Heb 10:24-25 Let us think of ways to motivate one another to acts of love and good works. And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.

The Christian life not just about believing, but about belonging.

Jesus said if you are out of fellowship with another Christian your worship is useless.
Sermon on the mount Matthew 5:23-24 This is how I want you to conduct yourself in these matters. If you enter your place of worship and, about to make an offering, you suddenly remember a grudge a friend has against you, abandon your offering, leave immediately, go to this friend and make things right. Then and only then, come back and work things out with God.

You cannot be in fellowship with Christ and out of fellowship with his church, his body.
So if we are going to growing in Christ and living our best life, we need to develop spiritual disciplines or growth habits.

·   The habit of time with God- prayer

·   The habit of time in God’s word

·   The habit of tithing

·   The habit of fellowship.

·   Using your talents and gifts

·   Sharing your faith with non Christians

(Many of these ideas and concepts can be found in The Purpose Driven Church, by Rick Warren)

Many answers to the question, why did Jesus come? To show us what God is like. Pay a ransom for sin. Bring forgiveness etc. Not wrong, but not complete.
But if we ask the guy himself, he tells us emphatically:

John 10:10 New Int. Version: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I have come that… Jesus came to our world on purpose. He didn’t go for a long walk one day. Get lost and end up on earth. Where am I?

Amplified Version: The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance, till it overflows

Abundance = superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon.

So he is saying that there is a type of living, a type of life that is superior, extraordinary, surpassing, uncommon, and that it is only possible because he came.
If it was possible to achieve it, or get it without him coming, he need not have come. He need not have died. He need not have risen again.

So you receive Jesus Christ to receive this life. But just because you have Jesus does not mean you will have the abundance Jesus spoke about.

I have come that you may have…. Important. Doesn’t say you will have life
All the promises of God our potentially ours in Jesus Christ.

That’s why our purpose as a church is to reach, build and empower people to live their best life. Reaching is the first step. Building is the second.

You have to work with God to see this superior life develop for you.
Develop = To cause to progress from an embryonic to adult form.
To grow into a more mature or advanced state.

Over coming weeks going to look at areas of our life that God wants to work with you, to develop his superior, abundant life.

1 Cor 1:9 God will do this, for he is faithful to do what he says, and he has invited you into partnership with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord.
2 Cor 6:1 As God’s partners, we beg you not to accept this marvelous gift of God’s kindness and then ignore it.